Thirsty Thursday: Frank guide to what to get your kid's teacher
Sarah McCarthy’s Thirsty Thursday column is brought to you each week thanks to Invercargill-based law firm Mee & Henry Law.
Sarah McCarthy’s Thirsty Thursday column is brought to you each week thanks to Invercargill-based law firm Mee & Henry Law
THIRSTY THURSDAY 33
This time of year is always a teensy bit stressy for me, because it’s not only El Festive Seasonorez, it’s also the time of my birth. And while I have waited for nigh on half a century for My Special Day to be widely celebrated like someone else’s I could mention (but I won’t because it’s already ALL ABOUT HIM, YEAR AFTER YEAR), now that birthdays are less “oooh presents” and now more “oooh mammogram” I just stress about the day itself and worry about what to do.
Do I do nothing and enjoy the day quietly and then half-way through the day kick myself when I’m shouting off the balcony, sozzled and alone? Or do I plan something and people have to drag themselves along, knowing they have 50 other things they should be doing, or far better places to go to, but turn up anyway because they like shouting off balconies.
Going out for a meal or even lunch is a pain as it is so close to SOMEONE ELSE’S DAY that everything is busy, so I have to do something at home, and then I always say I am going to bake myself a cake and never do.
This year, to save me from tears, I am celebrating my birthday RIGHT NOW by writing a thing I have wanted to do for years and years and have never gotten it sorted.
It is my gift to you, because much like SOME PEOPLE who get a WHOLE MONTH OR MORE ALL ABOUT THEM, I am also a good person who thinks about other people. Unless they are the neighbours when I am shouting off the balcony. They can get stuffed.
So here for you all (well, parents with school-aged children) is a handy, helpful and frank guide to WHAT TO GET YOUR KID’S TEACHER AT THE END OF THE YEAR.
Firstly, a disclaimer (see my new disclaimer at the bottom of my column? I am so SPICY and I’m completely thrilled and I’m also now obsessed with disclaimers - you can say anything you want if you have one). If you have already bought something that I say is not cutey cutey - who cares? Why would you listen to me? I did not manage to buy anything for the Big One’s teacher and he’s off school already and she will no doubt be somewhere being cool and lovely and thinking of how I didn’t get her anything (untrue, see below).
Also, for the purposes of this soothing list, I have consulted my other husband, “Brad”, who is a teacher in a faraway land.
The first and most important thing he said was that teachers really don’t expect anything from parents at the end of the year. If it just doesn’t happen, don’t worry.
Teachers definitely don’t care that little Jimmy’s bitch mother forgot because she is a self-obsessed loser who can’t even organise herself to do one simple thing, no wonder she looks like a scruffy mess and I bet she has scrotty nail polish on her toes (Brad did not say this bit. It’s me. I am bitch. This is called internalising).
The second thing is about money. Money too tight to mention, everyone is feeling the pinch (and if you’re not, splash that cash in your community y’all) and you shouldn’t feel like you have to buy something in order to make a teacher smile.
Just a card, even one made by your kid (even though, as I pointed out, they’ve been eyeballing the same startling artwork all year), is genuinely touching and gratefully received. In this case (but not on my birthday, Mr mr, pony up cheesebag) it really is the thought that counts.
Hokay.
CUTEY-CUTEY THINGS:
Movie tickets, coffee vouchers et cetera, et merde. These are highly favoured by the teaching establishment. There are lots of things both fun and thoughtful you can get vouchers for, so you can spend as little or as much as you like. If you’ve gotten wind of where the teachers are having their end-of-year knees-up you can get them a voucher for there. Thoughtful and a bit stalky. Yusss.
Artisanal bread etc, etm. Go and get a lovely sourdough from Flour Bro and wrap it in a cute linen tea towel (you have seven in the cupboard, or your mum does). Flick through the Wee magazine for ideas that will make you look thoughtful and cool plus you will be supporting local. Triple threat.
Gifts that have been made. If you’ve made jam or relish, slap on a bow and trot it in. Knit some cotton dishcloths (even I have made these, they are easy and cotton yarn is el cheapo). Make some biscuits. Drop in a bit of cheese and cracker action to the staff room.
People will say, “ooh who got this?” and someone will say “Little Jimmy’s bitch mother” and they will say, “Bless”.
A barbecue. An actual barbecue. This seems mental, but Brad said he knew of a teacher at a small school and all the parents clubbed together and got them a barbecue. Still mental, yes, but clubbing together is a great idea. If you’re on a group Whatsapp with other parents, trick someone else into organising something and get the teacher something cool, like a nice experience - a massage or a pedicure or manicure or, I dunno, a horse ride.
I personally often plump for alcohol because I am a booze hag and, if they don’t drink, it’s an easy re-gift for them, so win-win. I bought the Big One’s first teacher a bottle of Baileys because he’d come home at some point with a (startling) piece of artwork made out of a giant Baileys box that had obviously once contained a giant bottle of Baileys, and at the time she was sure to let me know it was from duty free and she couldn’t bear to waste a good box and that she was not some kind of Baileys monster.
NOT CUTEY-CUTEY (these are from actual teachers who have actually received these things):
Soap. Why? Is this a hint? How dare you.
Celebrity perfumes.
Fake nails. Again, why?
Coffee cups. There are only so many coffee cups with World’s Best Teacher on them that can be shoved in the staffroom cupboards.
Chocolates. Yes, even Fererro Rocher. In fact, if you have already bought Ferrero Rocher you can drop them to the Tribune offices (Logano, where are the Old Tribbo offices? If anyone drops off Ferrero Rocher they’re for me. Also, when is our work do?)
Hair ties. Again why? Why? Why?
Underwear or sleepwear. I have already said Why? too many times.
Anything used. This was just a note and I haven’t been able to get Brad to tell me what it was. I am assuming, however, that this is null and void if it’s an “Oh darling, I’ve barely even used this Ferragamo bag, please take it with my blessing” used situation.
Please feel free to go off in the comments with your own ideas or, delicious teachers, let us all, all ten of us, know what you would like. Remember, you don’t need to do anything, even an email is nice. Or, for instance, a whole column dedicated to Miss Gooding, the best teacher in the whole, wide world, with love from Little Jimmy’s bitch mother.
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Hi Sarah,
Just to clarify, having a disclaimer does not mean that "you can say anything you want".
Yours Sincerely,
Legal Department
PS. Booze is always a safe bet as present, given the nature of our children.