Thirsty Thursday: When the 'special lady stickers' run empty
Sarah McCarthy’s Thirsty Thursday column is brought to you each week thanks to Invercargill-based law firm Mee & Henry Law.
Sarah McCarthy’s Thirsty Thursday column is brought to you each week thanks to Invercargill-based law firm Mee & Henry Law
THIRSTY THURSDAY 26
Oh lawdy, so I went to take my special lady stickers out of their little box on Monday and Lo!
Despite my several layers of safety nets and alarms and text notifications and apps I had run out of my lifesaving adhesives. So I spent the first day panicking about it then contacted my doctors and said MORE STICKERS PLEASE and they said YEP GIMME TWENNY BUCKS and I was like K THX and also WHY CAN YOU NOT GIVE ME HEAPS AT ONCE - WHAT DO YOU THINK I’M GOING TO DO, PUT THEM ON THE DOG FOR FUNSIES? but I said that bit in my head because far be it from me to upset the medical establishment.
So, then all of the sticker goodness just left my body, like the ascension but mean and spiteful, and I turned into Mecha-Streisand and was very angry and also hot and sweaty and also very sad and very panicky and very confused as if I was always just waking up from a long, accidental nap.
Last night I went to the Parent’s Group AGM and was nice the whole time even though I told everyone I hated everything and could barely muster the energy to second anything, which is one of my favourite things to do. Then I got all hot and bothered when we talked about sausage sizzles and had to reach into my bag in front of young, fruitful women and get my fan and flap at myself without making eye contact with anyone, which is hard when you decide to sit on the couch and then you can’t move because it is a very squashy comfy couch so now you feel like Jabba the Hut lying prone on his pallet while trying to secretly fan his big greasy body.
Then I got home and Mr Mr had just gone and bought an enormous tent and was so pleased with himself and the kids were like YAY MUM A TENT WE CAN HAVE CAMPING IT WILL BE WHOLESOME AND AMAZING and so I channelled Janet Frame’s mother and said, “Isn’t it wonderful, kiddies!” and went into the kitchen and miserably scraped at a dirty frying pan with a knife and thought about my cheap, useless Kmart bras and how they offer no support.
Then this morning he said WHAT HAVE YOU GOT PLANNED FOR TODAY? which of course means “You never do anything around here, slattern, everyone thinks you’re a massive lazy loser and they all hate you” so I went and made the bed and didn’t straighten out the sheets on his side.
Then I wrote a measured, very normal message to the chemist saying WHERE ARE MY STICKERS MY HEAD IS ALL WRONG and then I went and got them and got home and when I put the sticker on I swear I could feel it coursing through my veins like that bit in Twilight where Bella gets to be interesting for a whole chapter and I think I could lift a car, if pressed, but still that’s a no from me dawg re: the skirting boards.
I don't roar with laughter that often, but today....you got me good!